The Power of Self Talk
By David Martin Performance Coach21st April 2009
Someone once said that most problems in life, talk back. In other words, most of our problems are to do with other people.
But I think that most of the problems we have in life, start earlier than that, I think they start with the conversations that we have with ourselves, in our minds.
And that what we experience in the outside world is largely a reflection of what is happening inside ourselves.
We look out at the world & we talk to ourselves about what we see. We sit inside of ourselves & we chat to ourselves about everything; what we like, what we dislike what we agree with or disagree with; you might be sitting out there now, doing exactly that, about everything I’ve written here.
And the quality of those conversations, will colour our decisions.
It’s been estimated that people talk to themselves at about 450 words per minute.
And that the average vocabulary is between 50 to 100 commonly used words.
The conversations that people have with each other are generally edited versions of what they say to themselves. People are generally much blunter and harsher, with themselves. And when you hear how some people speak to their family or peers, it really makes me wonder what they must be saying to themselves.
Most self talk is either questions or statements. It’s them asking themselves questions or casting judgments on X.
The question I ask is around the quality of those questions and statements are they useful and empowering or un-useful and destructive?
Remember your brain is one of the most powerful computers in existence. It has an exponentially massive data base of possibilities and stored information. But, as when using a search engine on the internet, if you type in the wrong question, that search engine will give you thousands if not millions, of wrong unsupportive and unhelpful answers.
Even the tone of voice that a person might use with themselves is important. The volume, pitch and speed. Angry, name calling condescending, victimized or confident. All of these resonate and have meaning, within a persons mind.
Some people are very hard on themselves, you’ll hear them say things like; “I’m dumb,”
“I always get it wrong,” “ I’m useless,” “Why is this happening to me”
These kinds of affirmations especially if said with real passion are very destructive and reinforce any existing disempowering beliefs.
Whoever said, that sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me, didn’t quite get it right.
A question I ask is; if you had a friend who talked to you, the way you talk to you, would you still be their friend?
Most people would answer no.
Yet they keep doing it to themselves, and it feeds their dislike of themselves &
erodes their self esteem and potential.
Lastly; and at first glance this may seem a bit odd, But I ask “who’s voice” do they hear? Is it their voice, is it Mum’s voice, Is it Dad’s, or is it someone else who was important to you when you were growing up?
If what you hear them saying is useful, great, but if its not….
Here’s a question for all of the Parents out there. Have you every caught yourself saying something to your kids, that your parents said to you as a kid, that you promised yourself, you would never say?
I teach people how to tip the balance back in their favor and those results are reflected in their day to day experiences, the achievement of their goals and their quality of life.
Back to Decision Making
Let’s come all the way back to decision making. We’ve talked about how all of these things influence our decisions, so decision making is a key ingredient right!
So the question has to be asked,
If I make better decisions will I get more of what I want?
The answer is, Yes and No.
Yes because good decision making is a key ingredient, and Yes because better decision making generally leads to better results and No because our decision making is greatly influenced and guided by what we already believe to be true and how we store and organize those beliefs.
In other words, what we imagine we are capable or incapable of. And if those thoughts and feelings aren’t useful and supportive, THAT’S where most people get stuck!
Or they get to a “Point of Choice” where they can go either left or right and instead of making a clean decision, they make an automatic decision based on their existing rules.
We help people to create better “rules” for themselves and give practical strategies on how to make better decisions on a daily basis.
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